I'm Writing About Sex.

I write this with shaking hands. It's my first foray into content of a more sexual nature. I'm actually laughing now. OH AND DAD, SERIOUSLY...PISS OFF. I can hear you shouting at me from the bathroom, and yes, it is funny shouting, 'Mum's on the bus!' mimicking my South London accent once, but over and over again can get quite annoying. Also, you're in the shower, can't you wash yourself instead? So there you go, now please stop reading.


Picture the scene. Romantic holiday in Bath with the boy. Wandering the streets of the beautiful city hand in hand, Georgian architecture everywhere we look. Then up pops an Ann Summers. Now, Ann Summers is a place I've only been in a handful of times. A few times circa 2004 when it was 'like dead funny' to try and get into the 'restricted' section of the shop and gawp at the dildos etc. Then later, this year for Valentines Day when I decided 'sexy underwear' was needed. My second visit blew my mind- Ann Summers is like an adult's sexy playground. A sensual mix between a teenage boy's wet dream and a very high class porn movie (you know, the ones that are less pornography and more art). The satin, the black and red, the champagne flavoured lube, the vibrators in tantalising and vibrant colours, the dildos that managed to epitomise masculinity and yet also poked fun at it! Amazing!


Now, I'm beginning to sound like prior to my visit to Ann Summers I was some poor little Victorian lady with my piano legs covered up and 'sex' was a dirty word. Not at all. It was just quite an exciting experience.


Anyway, so Tristan and I decided to take a look in Ann Summers and we had a right giggle at the large dildos. Me holding one up tentatively and saying, 'For your pleasure?' or 'Do you feel emasculated yet?’ Aside from an awkward scrabble where we both ended up with 'Champagne' flavoured lube on our hands (don't bother with it- it tastes just like very sweet and very cheap tinned peaches) it was an enjoyable experience for the both of us. Whilst tentatively fingering (ha) the vibrators I said to Tris, 'This'd be amazing'. Obviously, I was holding the 'rampant rabbit', which as far as I can see is the 'Rolls Royce' of vibrators. Tristan responded with, 'it’s a shame we can't afford to use any of this stuff eh?’ It seems that exotically coloured pieces of vibrating plastic in the shape of bunnies carry a hefty price tag. Then I came up with a rather uninspired idea, 'Wouldn't it be great if people paid to read about our sexploits? Then we could buy all this crazy shit and then I could write about it?' Tristan then replied, with a comment which just about sums up why I am completely in love with him, 'You could send it to The Stag.' The Stag is my University Paper. I don't think the Stag or the good people who read it want to read about what it feels like to have my bits lathered in decadently flavoured lube. Much less I don't think a free paper would pay me to write about them!


Then we got talking about it more seriously. We'd left Ann Summers by this point and had a small play fight, culminating in me spitting on Tristan's hand and having my spit rubbed back on my t-shirt (never said we were the most sophisticated couple) and I started to think 'Why the fuck not?' I mean everyone who reads the Stag is 18+. I can send my articles in anonymously and they won't pay me but I can still send articles in. And hey no one else writes about sex in the university paper. If they don't publish them I will write riotous articles about CENSORSHIT (or some other hilarious pun involving the word 'censorship' I'm a little bit pressed for time).


So Tristan's cool with it, I'm cool with it. We're both adults who like sex. And I'm an adult who likes writing, why not combine these two pleasures?

The ideas started popping out of my head:

Ann Summers: Resplendent or Repressed? (All credit goes to Ava, who is far more liberated and cool than I ever could be)
The Art of Anal (a bit of a joke that one)
Ditch Your Man, Buy a Vibrator?
etc etc.


If you own a vibrator, I'd really love to hear what it's like, so don't be shy get in touch!


Finally if you're into sex blogs read this one:
Brighton Ivy It's really rather good
And if you enjoy that
Then read her bloke's blog as well
http://www.southeastsexandsanity.blogspot.com/
Both are brilliant!

And Dad, if you read that, please never ever discuss it with me.

Anyway, get in touch with your views on sexploits etc. Tell your sexy stories and tell me your views! I love you dear readers. I'm going to have my lunch now.